oh, yeah, I have a blog …

Greetings from sunny, snowy Switzerland! Land of cows, chocolate, and cheese. There is even a surprisingly delicious cheese soft drink! Between working and exploring, I haven’t had the chance to blog much at all, so I’ve kind of got a backlog … for one thing, we had snow yesterday on the mountaintops. Pretty soon it’ll be down in town. My job here is teaching at a tiny-ass private school, which means loads and loads of marking So I spend my free time with cross-stitch, crochet and surfing the web.

One of my discoveries, for your reading pleasure, is the Dangerverse, an alternate-reality take on Harry Potter. The difference begins with Hermione having a much older sister, and living down the street from the Dursleys … and things diverge very fast after that. Warning: this will eat your free time like Garfield on lasagna.

invasion of the cucumbers

this spring, my dad built a new compost bin for the garden, resulting in the finished compost being dug into flower beds and generally mixed around. We had a cold and wet June where nothing grew very much … but now, all of a sudden, things are emerging from the darkness! The count so far is 5 cucumbers, a tomato, and a potato plant growing where they should not be … that is, right in the middle  of the flowerbeds. Except for the potato, which is growing merrily straight out the middle of the compost bin.

angels and wild horses

Neon Genesis Evangelion is, depending who you ask, either the most brilliant deconstruction of the heroic genre ever put on film or an overly depressing angstfest with severely unlikeable characters (of course, the two are not mutually exclusive). One thing most people agree on is that it takes itself very, very seriously, which makes it ripe for all manner of  … improvements.

I already wrote, a while back, on Shinji and Warhammer 40k, which is only the outrageous tip of the wildly implausible iceberg of Eva fixer fics.

For example? Swapping Shinji for Ranma — yes, that Ranma. With his curse intact, and all his skills, and extensive knowledge of the setting through being a fan of the show. Mayhem ensues.

Two words: Nekoken Evangelion.

There is the added touch that Ranma has been sucked into the actual show, which the rest of the Nerima Wrecking Crew are able to watch; in the process they hear exactly what Ranma thinks of them. This means that both of the series involved get much improved. And Ranma, for once, gets the girl(s).

protectors of the universe: remix

A while ago, I posted a review of the crap-tacular dollar  anime, Protectors of the Universe.  I promised that I would find a way to bring its godawfulness to the Web … and while neither my video editing nor voice acting skills are up to making an Abrigded version, I am perfectly capable of producing a screenshot comic.

So here they are, POU:Remix pages 1 and 2. Warning: these are NSFW, and it’s only going to get worse. I have not altered the screenshots in any way, just cropped them and added dialogue of my own invention.

10 things that hurt worse than getting a needle

that I have personally experienced. As inspired by witnessing a school Hep B clinic the other day …

1. wasp sting

2. stepping on Lego

3. smacking head on tail gate of car

4. having warts burned off

5. punch to the stomach

6. bumping into corner of table

7. touching hot baking pan

8. biting tongue

9. stepping on thistle barefoot

10. pins and needles after feet fall asleep

So quit yer whining, people!

insanity is the natural state of the universe

Exhibit 1:

The Adventures of Doctor McNinja: An Irish ninja who is also a physician, his velociraptor-riding bandito sidekick, his gorilla receptionist and the clone of Benjamin Franklin are the good guys. Bad guys include a TV weather guy, robot space Dracula, pirates, and a bodybuilder whose abs turned into a jetpack powered by vegetarian buger patties. And it all makes sense.

Exhibit 2:

Ms Paint Adventures: A detective named Problem Sleuth is stuck in his apartment with a dismantled telephone, a gun/key, a window that is actually a lightbox that is actually a window. He and two friends eventually fight a demonic entity by means of traffic lights/portholes/dimensional portals and a giant mecha made of candy, and challenge Death to a game of Life. And it all makes sense.

I have to go lie down now.

auto-eroticism

For some bizarre reason I suddenly got interested in Transformers … by way of fanfiction on AFF. Rule 34 in action, people: yes, there is Transformers porn. Quite a bit of it. And some of it’s actually decent. I think part of the appeal is the sheer ingenuity it takes to imagine how robots would “interface.” And then there’s the sheer personality the characters have — more than some human actors I could name.

Anyway, I’ve plowed through most of the original series, all of Animated, the live-action movie, and I’m now working my way through Beast Wars. My favorite characters so far: Prowl, Optimus (duh), and Dinobot. Also Unicron from the animated movie, both for Orson Welles’ voice and for transcending snark to a whole new level:

Megatron: Nobody summons Megatron!
Unicron: Then it pleases me to be the first.

I’m so into this that I’m even writing my own fics. (They’re not explicit. Yet.) And the above picture is my concept of what Prowl would look like if he appeared in the live-action movie, based on the Nissan Marano. Sadly, this will never come true because of GM’s product placement deal. Oh, well, that’s what fanwork is for, after all.

the end of the world as we know it

On the last day of another year, it seemed appropriate to post a story about the Apocalypse (this sort of thing is traditional at this time of year, in certain circles.

I now present: Armageddon?

In which God declares the Apocalypse.

The Demons are invading.

Humanity isn’t having it. And they have bombs.

The combined military force of the world is going to Hell … and the afterlife will never be the same.

Dollar Anime II: The Crappening

Hoo Boy.

I was back at Dollarama last week and picked up another fine example of discount  anime: Protectors of the Universe (or, as its title card reads, Protectors of Universe). This is by the same folks who did Space Thunder Kids, and  even uses some of the same footage. That’s right, they ripped off their own work to make this.

While it’s not as awesomely nonsensical as Space Thunder Kids, P.U. makes up for it by being oddly fruity. There’s definitely something going on between the heroes … and between the one hero and his father (ick) … and between the one hero and a dragon (double ick). The impression is not helped at all by the fact that everyone is wearing Buck Rogers spandex, except the aforementioned father who is wearing colonial-style cosplay with knee breeches. Which is odd, considering he’s supposed to be a prisoner. I should make some screenshots and add in dialogue.

Of course, this “film” has the same gaping plot holes that made STK so great. For one thing, the control center on the villains’ ship can only be accessed by swimming through the waste disposal plant. This same waste is so toxic that the vilains plan to exterminate life on Earth by raining it onto the planet. Oh, and there’s the enemy mook who spouts exposition when he gets drunk. And the stupidest dramatic tension ever:

Kent: We should go back to our base.
Cyprian: You’re a coward. We should attack the enemy base all by ourselves!
Kent: Our orders are to go back to base. Besides, your idea will get us all killed.
Cyprian: You’re a coward.

I think those are their names, though Cyprian might actually be Siegfried. So anyway, although Kent is chosen as the leader (by drawing straws … which is rigged), Cyprian tricks them into going to the enemy base anyway. They get into a giant robot battle while towing a space subway full of children — I am not making this up, the giant robot in this movie has a train attached to its ass. See? Fruity. Anyway, I won’t spoil any more of the “plot”, except to say, you know how the villain often gets a scene where they see the error of their ways and then croak? Lamest. Rendition. Ever. Twice!

Oh, and the voice acting sucks too.

tea

yeah, I’m going to waste your precious bandwidth talking about my tea collection.

Tea. Collection.

Your armor of jaded sophistication is withering under those two words, isn’t it? Relax. Embrace the zen of TEA.

- plain ol’ Red Rose tea for drinking with cookies.
- Rooibos tea with cinnamon and orange, for the mornings, because too much caffeine gives me jitters.
- Ginger Lemon tea, likewise.
- Peppermint tea, likewise. Also I’m a cheapass.
- houjicha, a type of green tea (I think it’s toasted or something) from Japan. I like it better than plain green tea.
- matcha. Not that I know how to do a tea ceremony, but it brings back memories of eating at sushi bars.
- white tea. A nice, delicate flavor, good with a bowl of noodles.

And I consider that minimal. Let’s not even get into my five teapots.